Spring Cleaning

As of recently, I have decided that I no longer want to be angry. And as easy as that  sounds for some it’s not for me because my life has been more than challenging. The crazy thing is that I didn’t even KNOW I was angry. My heart was becoming bitter and black and I had no idea. There was a point in my life when I lived by the saying “Always love openly”, I vowed to myself and my friends that no matter what life brought my way I would approach each situation with a new heart, definitely not a bitter one.

But as time went on and I got older I held on to heartache, I let my life become a ball of stress, and I was WORN OUT by my daily demands.

It was rough.

While in college I was so use to flooring the gas petal that I didn’t even realize anger was festering in my heart. It wasn’t until recently (3 weeks ago to be exact) that I realized I was full of rage. My anger didn’t directly impact the way I treated others but it definitely took a toll on my heart. Ever since I graduated in December I have dedicated most, if not all my time to my healing journey; while on this journey I was struggling to get over a particular situation that was eating me alive and I did not understand why.

And then BOOM, it hit me like a ton of bricks. A bih was still angry about it. Angry at the way it happened, angry at how it made me feel, and just plain angry that it had to happen at all.

For lack of better words I was high key pissed off.

The irony is that I actually had the right to be angry, the situation was not ideal and it caused me a great deal of unnecessary pain. I let that situation back me into a corner.  While I was dealing on the outside, I most certainly did not have peace on the inside.

I have been on a path for peace for a while and I almost came to the conclusion that my life would always be hectic and that where ever I was peace wasn’t. That my friends is no way to live. When I realized I was being haunted because of suppressed anger I dropped it like a hot tamale. One day I woke up and I said to my grandma “I don’t want to be angry anymore.” I always dreamed of what peace would finally feel like and after I uttered those words it just simply happened.

Now it did not erase the situation, but it definitely took away the hurt and pain that I felt every single time I thought about it. Releasing the need to be angry gave me peace and it allowed me to actually forgive!

In “All About Love” by Bell Hooks, the author speaks on how empowering forgiveness can be.   Choose to understand a situation rather than fight it, is the gateway to moving forward. After all this time I couldn’t properly move on because my anger kept my pain alive.

Once I realized the power of forgiveness, I started forgiving people left and right. “You get forgiveness, you get forgiveness, everybody gets forgiveness!” Honestly it helped me give grace to those who’ve hurt me because when I think about why they hurt me or where they stand in their lives it’s not even worth it. Why spend my precious time hating them when they clearly already have their own demons to slay, it was doing nothing but hurting and holding me up.

And I gots things to do honey.

I’d gladly take peace over pain any day!

Letting go is difficult, yet freeing. Letting go of anger allowed me to release myself from the shackles of this situation and I’m better because for it. To anyone on their own healing journey I’m proud of you, stay focused.

The joy is in the journey,

-xo VII