A Weight Lifted

Do you ever wake up and wonder… “How did I get here?” I’ve been asking myself that question a lot lately because so much in my life has shifted. I’m different, I wish I could explain it, but all I know for certain is that I’ve changed. While I’m still “Tati”,what it means to be “Tati” has changed. Without question people attribute this new glow to my weight loss, but trust me it’s so much more than that.

Don’t get me wrong the physical evolution has been crazy amazing! It’s taken me my WHOLE life to even begin to like my body. In my blog “BBW”, I discussed overcoming  these issues that weighed me down for years.

From childhood into my early adulthood I lived with these insecurities, they were the rational or irrational explanation behind all of my actions. I struggled in obvious ways with taking pictures, any sort of shopping, and extremely low self-esteem. But I also struggled in less obvious ways too, having these insecurities caused me to be less of a risk taker, doubtful of my purpose, and faithless. For years, I disregarded all of that by accepting it and just learning to live with it…until one day I couldn’t.

All my life Doctors told me I was over weight, but they never truly showed interest in helping me. I felt like they labeled me and threw me in the pile of “Fat kids that like to eat =No Hope”. It also didn’t help that I always noticed the physical difference between myself and my friends. The earlier stages of my journey were frustrating because I’ve BEEN eating healthy, I was ALREADY active and every time I told my Doctors they never believed me. My Doctors gave up on me, I felt like damaged goods that couldn’t be rectified. My life felt like that nightmare where you think you’re waking up from a horrible dream just to realize it was never a dream in the first place, it was your reality. I have weight loss journals dated back to when I was about 10 or 11 years old which makes me weep for the kid that I was, so anal and so hard on  myself.

I worked hard my whole life and didn’t see any real results until last year. The only difference was my perspective.

Last year I was a senior in college and consumed in it,  I was way to into guys that weren’t really into me, and most importantly I was emotionally all over the f**king place. Anytime anything bad happened, I interpreted as the world conspiring against me and/or God playing jokes and laughing at my expense. Sounds horrible right? Well guess what it was.

During the spring of 2018 I started going to church services held at my school. “Power hour” was introduced to my campus by a good friend of mine Isaiah, to this day I don’ t think he truly knows how influential these services were to me. They kept me, they saved me.

The first few services I went to I’d just cry, tears streamed down my face with every sermon, every song, and every prayer. I was feeling through all of the brokenness that I ever felt inside. It hurt tremendously and I understand why people opt out, why people suppress their pain because…healing hurts! After you’ve dealt with the pain and worries of the world it’s easy to lose hope, because being hopefully makes you vulnerable, and vulnerability is where we’re hurt the most. I get that, I do. But my journey has also taught me that vulnerability is also where the connection is stronger, where the love is deeper and regardless of my fears and pain I don’t want to live a life without the deepest of love and connection.

Honestly the most difficult part was reflecting on my life and seeing the ways in which I hurt myself! I was a slave to my shame and I lived a life that was so unfulfilling because of it.

Eventually the tears stopped and the services became enjoyable. I even grew into one of those Chruch-folk that shout when they heard something that they liked. Once I began to process my brokenness, it was easier to forgive myself for the mistakes that I made, the situations I put myself in, and the joy that I deprived myself of.

On this weight loss journey I not only loss weight, I lost negative perceptions of myself.

Losing this mental weight was essential to losing the physical weight. I had to learn NOT to carry other peoples’ stuff. I had to give back all that did not belong to me. I took responsibility for other people’s happiness, peace, faithfulness…anything under the sun. For years I convinced myself that it was because I was a “captain save-a-hoe”,  the good samaritan that wanted to see EVERYONE good. But no, I’m calling my bluff, it was because of fear. My insecurities didn’t want me to focus all of that positive energy on myself. My insecurities convinced me to play the “background character” to everyone else’s stories because investing in everyone else seemed better, or more profitable. It’s funny because even though I operated this way, the star in me always found a way to shine through to give me a glimpse of my amazing.

Focusing on my health (mental and physical) was the best decision I’ve ever made. Again it wasn’t easy, losing my insecurities was like a break-up I had to (and still have to) learn to live my life healthily without them. But by trusting God, and believing in myself I got to the point where I can say that I’m 40 POUNDS DOWN!

God aided me through because I would’ve let my fears run my life. In the middle of it all I remember crying out for a change, praying for all of the wrong things. But God gave me what I needed to learn. Looking back I see the value in all of it, especially the less than ideal parts. He was making me into the woman who has the power and  potential to be whatever she wants to be.

Today I stand before you physically and mentally lighter. I still have my struggles but clearing my mind gave me that much more freedom, its like a breath of fresh air. No-one can tell me anything about myself that will change my perception of me! I have the courage and power to be the woman that I want to be! I still have no idea who that is, but part of the fun is finding out.

The longer you have a deep rooted issue, the more it festers and the more of your life it impacts. I’ve decided to let that go, even though my feelings are valid, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life convicted and controlled.

I’m a woman who deserves joy and happiness. I see my value you and I’m going to spend the rest of my days loving me because I’ve spent so many days hating me. Now that I’ve been given the space, opportunity, and freedom to do so. I feel like a weight has been lifted.