It’s been a while since I’ve had the time to write a blog, although I haven’t published anything publicly… I’ve never stopped writing. Writing is therapeutic, it’s a way for me to express my raw emotions without fear or judgement from others. Every now and then topics for blogs come to mind, but the inspiration to write and publish just hasn’t been there. I’ve been wanting to keep my feelings private, as I process and deal in this world (which I know many of us understand). But inspiration came when I saw peers of mine blogging, it reminded me of why I started and continued to blog in first place. So, I made this a priority on my “Quarantine shut in to-do list”.
For some time now I’ve been living in my own bubble, trying to discover life on my own terms. The other day my boyfriend and I discussed growth. I specifically talked about my journey over the last couple of years. I reflected on the “use to’s” versus “the now”, “coping” versus “dealing”, and “negative thoughts” versus an “improved perception”. Even in all of this growth I find myself grappling with integration and re-entering old situations that are not used to the “new” me. Walking into an environment where stigma follows you can be triggering. It can put you in a place where you have to face demons you’ve already put down. And I don’t know about y’all but I’m not too keen about revisiting situations I’ve been delivered from.
So, with that being said, how do you reintegrate with a persona that seems different to most but well known to you? Do you even try? Or do you sever ties completely so that you live your truth without any conversation or explanation about the difference?
Although the persona may seem different, it’s not. It’s who I’ve always been at my core but was over shadowed by self-loathing, people pleasing, and confusion. I feel more like Tatiana than I ever have in my life. I know my interests and my turn-offs; I even know how I like to dress and wear my hair. While some of those things seem elementary, knowing these distinctions are pivotal to self-discovery and self-satisfaction. I’ve been transparent about my struggles with self-love, because, who I was, did not align with who I truly am.
I’m at the point in my life where I can’t conform, being me feels too good. But I have fallen victim to conforming in the past, conforming to be liked, conforming to be respected, and plain old conforming not to be left out. And when I tell you I was unfilled… WHEW, the well couldn’t get any drier!
Now, I’m in a place where I know who I am. But Again, how does that sit with people who knew you when… (fill in the blank).
My boyfriend said what people think matters to an extent, but it’s ultimately about how you portray yourself and the boundaries you set. I think it’s important to acknowledge that everyone deserves some sort of grace, so if they knew you when… (fill in the blank) that may be their only perception of who you are. But in the same breath it’s your job to be unapologetically you, show people who you are and draw a line when people try to stick old labels on you. “I’m sorry, but that’s not who I am” and if that isn’t received, they weren’t meant to know you and THAT’S OKAY too.
Prior to my relationship with my boyfriend I had no clear concept on setting boundaries; my philosophy was “if I love you, you have access to it all” and I expected that in return. But that’s not sustainable, no one and I mean absolutely no one should have access to it all. I also learned that I should not expect any family member, significant other, or even friend to give their all. If I can’t give it… why should it be required of them?
Learning the value of boundaries taught me there are certain things you shouldn’t let others do. You shouldn’t let people eat up your time, you shouldn’t let people disrespect you, you shouldn’t let people control your life, and most importantly you shouldn’t let others define who you are. Fear convinces me that I won’t be accepted for who I truly am, but on the contrary, In God there is no fear (Timothy 1:17).
Sometimes connections die and THAT’S OKAY too. People are constantly growing, and we can’t take everyone with us. As long as we are aligned with ourselves and God, we have to be content with everything else in between.
I do not have everything figured out and I shouldn’t because it’s a marathon… not a race. I’m just happy that I got to the place where I can distinguish my thoughts against influence. I’m no longer easily convinced or swayed. I’m working on being me in the presence of anyone unapologetically because that’s is who I am, PERIOD. Not what I was yesterday, not who you thought… This…is me.
Tea With Tati 