In January 2022, I officially entered the second half of my twenties. And to be honest I didn’t really know how to feel about it. The idea of “getting older” wasn’t particularly inviting because I knew that God was calling me to change…
After I graduated from undergrad, I was jolted by a series of changes. I had lost most of my “friends”, I met my man, I began a graduate program, and I moved out of the state to create a home with said man. From 23-26 God was pruning me, removing old faces and places, and replacing them with new seeds that would soon reap.
This process was difficult for me because I have a habit of romanticizing what I don’t have. Before I had a man, all I wanted WAS A MAN and now that I’m in this place where I don’t have many friends I now romanticize…
Trusting God, and leaning not on my own understanding helped me grasp the magnitude of what God is trying to do for life. I have a complex relationship with change, I lost my father when I was 17 so saying goodbye feels like a heartbreak. I almost always know when God is asking me to give something up, but because of my trauma I try to avoid the pain (by holding on) which usually results in more pain (because I wasn’t obedient).
Notice I mentioned “what God is trying to do for my life”. This isn’t because I don’t think he’s able, it’s about me being ready & willing.
I’m currently at the point in my life where I have to make better choices for myself… What I mean is that I have to make decisions where I prioritize myself & the things I say I want from life. In the past I acted as “captain save a hoe”, my super power & kryptonite being my heart for others. I neglected myself and gave every ounce of me to others.
God has been trying to tell me “That ain’t it” for a while but, some of us learn slower than others. Amen.
I’ve been sabotaging myself, requiring little to nothing from others, giving them my all, neglecting my own boundaries, resulting in hurt & disappointment. It was a sickening cycle. All because of fear. Would people still love me if I enforced requirements & boundaries?
The real question is will you be able to live with yourself if you don’t have requirements and boundaries?
In my younger years I could ignore my own needs for others without question, but as I get older, my body, mind, and spirit is like nah…That. Ain’t. It.
To be honest I still don’t know how to feel at this stage because it’s scary. I don’t know how everything will workout. What comforts me is that I know that God has planted seeds. In that same breath, I can’t stare at the ground waiting for them to grow into trees, I have to live my life. I have to prioritize myself and invest in the life that I’m building for me and my future family. I’ve spent so much time complaining about this time of isolation, but it’s all about perspective.
As difficult as it was to learn, I now know that I require a certain kind of love from myself that will change the way I enter relationships. How can I truly be a friend to others if I can’t even be a friend to myself? It is very much a journey, and I pray that God continues to check me when it comes to me.
Tea With Tati 