I’ve missed you all, but I’m sure that you understand my absence. While I have never stopped writing, my public writing took a bit of a pause. There has been so much that’s transpired in my life that the very person writing to you is a completely different human being. I honestly don’t even know where to start…
Here we go
Historically I’ve been the type of person looking to grow and evolve. I used to say it was because I wanted to be the best version of myself, but the truth is that I didn’t really like myself. The “growth & evolution” was a ploy to get God to change the parts of me that I didn’t think were valuable. I spent a lot of time bargaining with God. “God if you could just make me 30 lbs lighter, God if you could just give me more money, God if you could just _______”.
The list goes on and on.
I’m not really sure why, but from a young age I looked at what I had and thought it wasn’t enough. I felt like the kid no one wanted to trade snacks with because they had carrots or celery, while it seemed like everyone else had cool stuff like chips and fruit snacks. Now that I’m well into my twenties I see the value of carrots and celery and to be honest prefer it to the later.
But that was the problem, I looked at what other people had and I never took the time to get acquainted with what I had. I passed harsh judgements upon myself and I let the outside world (as imperfect as it is) dictate how I felt about me! Crazy right… well not so much. So many of us are wrapped up in the metaverse that we are constantly trying to keep up with the joneses. People are faking the funk and living inauthentic lives and we are suffering because of it. I just reached the point where I no longer tolerate labels, standards, or ideals forcing me to feel less than.
Like many, my quest to wholeness began as a result of being broken. Coming into 2023, I suffered from a broken heart and even now she still aches sometimes. I chewed on the details of the situation like a stick of tobacco, burning holes in my cheeks. I didn’t realize that the best thing for me to do was to spit it out. It’s tough because when you love and you lose you never really wanna let it go, but sometimes it’s what’s best. My granny is very big on knowing what “loves her back”, she says to me “Coconut cake, I love it but it does not love me back”. It’s cute when it’s cake but it hits differently when it’s a person.
Out of this though I was left with me, that’s all I really had. I had friends and family there covering me in prayer and love, but it was my life and it was finally time that I became acquainted with me.
“Disappointment, Defeat, and Despair are the tools God uses to show us the way” (Coelho 11). I knew that there was a lesson brewing but even with knowing that there is a divine plan the humanness of it all feels unbearable.
Waking up is hard because my body reminds me of what I lost and what I’m longing for. While my brain has done intense processing, sorting out the levels of confusion, neglect, and pain, my heart STILL feels it. And she feels it at her own pace. I wish I could just take a tylenol or hell even get a lobotomy to control how deeply connected I felt and still do feel for the situation.
I’d be remiss to mention the progress I’ve had in my life. I’ve blossomed in ways I only dreamed of & it’s difficult to fathom that I can’t share all that I have grown into with the person I thought I would grow old with. But I’m also well aware of how our desires and needs don’t always match up and I’m at the age now where my needs are non-negotiable.
I grew up in a household where both of my parents were ill and I sacrificed a lot. I didn’t want to cause a ruckus where things were already chaotic and unnerving so I blended in. I approached many of my relationships in the same way. I wanted to keep the peace even if it meant sacrificing my own.
I know now that I can’t do that, it leaves me with nothing. What people don’t tell you is how when you begin to adopt ideologies that prioritize love of self, people will start dropping like flies.
I’m just gonna leave that there…
It can be scary because sometimes it’s like God. “How much more can I take?” These adult problems feel unbearable! & to be honest I still have no answer. I don’t know exactly why things happened the way that they did and I don’t know that I ever will. I don’t know the remedy to heal my broken heart but I know that if I wake up everyday and make a choice to love myself radically, each day will get easier.
~A note of encouragement to others but most importantly myself.
Tea With Tati 