Today is the LAST first for me. Let me elaborate, today is the last time I will be experiencing a holiday/special occasion for the first time without my ex. In a couple weeks it will be a full year since the breakup and I still FEEL about it. Since the break up I’ve self reflected, thrown myself into work, traveled, and gone to therapy. I’m here to say that even with all that, today just doesn’t feel right. To say my heart was broken is a vast understatement, my trust in people was tarnished and I was abandoned by the very person who I had no walls with. The love (on my behalf) was unconditional and transformative. It felt warm and special. It was our piece of heaven, while many didn’t witness the extraordinary within our relationship it most certainly existed…and was my entire world.
We met in an extraordinary way.I always kept that with me throughout our relationship because for me the symbolism and timing made me certain that this was God ordained. Not even just that, the things that he said, the moments that we had. My family is big into writing letters and when I told him it was something I valued he incorporated that, he would also turn on the late great Bill Withers’ Just the Two of Us and serenade me as we danced and giggled around the house. Being in relationship with him brought me so much joy and I often ponder why the joy I once had has left me. While I’m not depressed, joy isn’t always present.
Up until the actual breakup I lived in these moments, I thought we would get our castle in the sky, Just the two of us… You and I.
What’s difficult is when I think about how devoted I was to him and what we were building. It was important to me because I have a few “holes” in my family and I was under the guise that if I could create my own, the pain of not having the one I wanted would ease. I’d finally be able to rest in knowing that people loved and truly accepted me.
Well you guys know the end to that story, it did not happen that way. Not only did he break my heart suddenly, he left me alone. No contact, anything. And I’m gonna be honest y’all to this day, that still hurts me. I felt/feel discarded, I felt blindsided, and to be honest I felt like he hurt me so badly to prove a point to himself about his own worthiness. (But this is not about him).
When I was a kid I never felt good enough. Both of my parents had children apart from me from other relationships and from my perspective it always seemed like they desired them more. I was a pretty stellar kid, I did what I was told, I even got straight A’s throughout (most) of my academic career. Don’t believe me? Ask my grandparents.
Anyways, I did everything “right” and still could not figure out why they could not love me the way I so desperately desired.
See the connection?
With my ex, it felt like he was holding back, like there was an entire world inside of him that he was afraid to let anyone into…I got pretty close. And let’s be clear, I did not fabricate the relationship, my love for him developed based off of courting, experiences, time, and all that other gushy shit.
Him breaking up with me, the way he did made me feel like he led me off a plank blindfolded. Nearly swallowed by the waves, I made it out. I found my footing, have excelled in many ways, but I’m traumatized (Haha)! That may sound like overkill but understand that that experience put me back into a vulnerable space that I’ve dealt with quietly throughout my whole life. It’s not that if he wanted to break up he shouldn’t have, it’s the way he did it that chilled me to the bone. No real amends made, no attempt to make it hurt less. He just moved on with his life and podcast.
I believe it was chalked up to him not knowing how to truly love? But to be honest me and his momma couldn’t figure it out.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough.
To have the rug truly ripped from under your feet makes you look at life and people differently. I can acknowledge that I don’t openly trust people. I’m fearful that folks who get close will find me with my walls down and reject me or abandon me. I hate that this feels so melancholy on a day of Thanks, but it’s what I’m working through. How do I let go of people’s mistreatment of me? How do I let go and not internalize their actions? How do I find the value in me, even if those who love(d) me don’t see it?
I love me, and I pray that I can learn to truly let go of the pain inflicted on me by those who are caught up in their own suffering. I pray that one day I will be able to love again. But I also pray that my discernment and ability to see is on point. I pray that I know my value so much that I don’t even bat an eye when people fall short. I pray not to internalize disappointment, I pray that I can let go…
Tea With Tati 