Patience

I woke up this morning with a weary heart & nothing particularly happened to cause it. I woke up and checked my email, options are few when you delete social media from your phone. What else gives you the same satisfaction of the morning scroll? I will tell you first hand it’s NOT checking your email. I guess I got triggered by the fact that there were no emails congratulating me on my new job, or even an email offering an interview.

I feel a lot of ways about not being “successful” in the ways that were preached to us when we’re children. “If you work hard you’ll get everything you want and deserve”, says someone who never worked hard for a thing in their life. I have worked diligently, I’ve overcome trials that most don’t contemplate until they are middle aged. 

I’ve been working on my faith, building it, strengthening myself, and rediscovering the roots that God placed in me since my creation. But as you get older the heartbreak gets a little deeper, the disappointment hits a little harder, and above all else your desire to protect yourself becomes dire. 

My therapist told me that it’s time to stop blaming my ex for the negative/disappointing things that happen in my life. She said he’s just a metaphor. He’s something I can place blame on for comfort, but ultimately it disempowers me. I agreed with her, and I really have been doing my best to release him into the atmosphere. Sometimes I’ll say “God I release ________ , I let him go”. 

Which in my opinion is some mature shit.

When did I become this person? I’ve grown so much. I care about myself, I love myself, I prioritize myself, I’ve accomplished so much… But why do I still not feel like I’m progressing in life? When people ask, I say, “it’s because I want more money”, “I want to grow in my career” or “I want to start a family of my own”…But is it really those things?

I have a fear that I’ll get everything I ever wanted in life and still feel like it’s not enough.

Kinda like that Billie Ellish song. (Great song btw).

Sometimes I wonder when he stopped loving me. I actually cried about that before opening my laptop BUT I know my therapist would incline me to think differently. Who’s to say he has ever stopped? What if the breakup was a result of him loving me more? Who knows, but I know that I can’t frame it in this way where he’s the big bad wolf and I’m the meek little piggy whose house got blown down.  

The crazy thing about turning 28 is that I feel like my brain developed in a flash of a second. I began to think about the things I wanted for myself and my life. I even gave up smoking weed, and guys while I was not a pothead I ENJOYED smoking. I even convinced myself I needed to, but that’s another story for another day. 

I guess I feel like, God I’ve grown, please give me a break, give me something I want. It’s been a long journey and I would really appreciate my 40 acres and a mule… Now.  I know that it’s a journey, but this journey is isolating. I’m hanging in there, doing my best to make better decisions, but I just don’t feel fulfilled. Does this make sense? 

Romantic love has always been a place of liberation for me but it’s not something you can just snap your fingers and have. And I’m also finding that I’m too mature to just play around. So what do I do in the meantime when I’m waiting on the Job, the Money, and the Man? 

…Wait…

That is the answer. I just have to wait which is frustrating because like I said, I feel like I deserve it all now. But I think he’s (God) is changing me from the inside out, because again, I don’t want to get it all and not be able to appreciate it. 

So I guess this blog is a request for prayer on this journey of patience, a request to lighten my heart, find fulfillment in the mundane, and courage to believe that God is going to do for me all that he said.

& that he will restore my soul.

Truly yours,

Tati