You Deserve it

It’s taken me along time to be okay with being myself. I’ve always compared what I lacked to what I thought people had in abundance. Looking back this mindset sucked the fun out of ALOT and hindered me in so many ways. I still have to consciously remind myself not be envious of what others have because it’s what I desire in this instant. It is important to work diligently to replace these negative thoughts.

Instead of thinking “it’s not fair and life never works for me” try thinking “life is good to me and gives me the best”.

I’m really here to just say that life WILL give you lemons and even though it may feel unfair, life never just happens to you, it happens for you. All of the obstacles you face in life assist in making you more resilient. I know I’ve talked about extending grace before but it really is important to do it for YOURSELF.

I am a senior in college (Yes, that snuck up on me) and I’m transitioning from being a young adult to being a purposeful adult and it’s hard because those doubts and insecurities that I wore on my sleeve on move-in day still resurface as I get ready for my graduation day. For instance right now I am taking Advanced Public Speaking and I feel like it’s tearing me apart.

My professor has a reputation in the Communications Studies department as being rigorous. As if that weren’t enough we have impromptu speeches every class period. When class begins we are given a quote and just a few minutes to structure an ENTIRE speech. And in addition to all of that my teacher also calls on people at random to assess the previous impromptu speeches.

Today in particular I struggled because I felt like I bombed an assignment that would have helped me with a larger upcoming assignment. Although I prepared what I thought was best I was terrified because I felt like mines wasn’t superb like the other speeches delivered. My heart rate was through the roof and I thought I was just going to die young and stressed right there on that floor. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and unworthy to be in the class.

I left the class with my heart heavy and my head low.

While I walked away shameful something happened and suddenly I realized that I deserved to be there because that’s what I wanted.

“Rome was not built in a day”- John Heywood

And I will not become an impeccable speaker in just a few weeks. It’s a process and takes time!

Everyone has their thing, mines is worthiness and unfortunately this perception of myself has held me back from so much. Nope not anymore!

As much as I’d like to I CANNOT fast forward through the unpleasant parts of my process and neither can you. I, like many others adopt the thinking of “I’ll enjoy my life when I get a new car, when I get my dream job, or when I marry the love of my life”.

Nah sorry sis, that’s not how it works.

You don’t need those things to validate your worthiness! I know that I am too diligent of a worker to flunk out of Public Speaking so why am I pressed? I’m too special, too great and too amazing for all the things that I want (including the new car, dream job and the man) to not happen.

What I can focus on RIGHT NOW is becoming more disciplined, enjoying the relationships I have while working on my confidence. Enjoying those aspects of my life will help me appreciate those tangible things when they come, WHENEVER they  come.

But most importantly I know they will come because I DESERVE THEM.