BBW

Once there was a little girl, youthful and bubbly. Lots of energy and creativity, God directed her to a Dance School. Frightened to accept her calling she looked up at her granny who accompanied her and uttered the words “I’m scared”. Her grandmother said confidently in a soothing tone, “Just open the door”.

Not long after this day she fell in love. She fell in love with dance, and she made friends that she’d referred to as family. Then something developed. This something was not good. During a meeting at the Studio students were told that if they didn’t look like the one of the popular students they would never be considered a “real dancer”. The dancer on display was 5’10, had a slender frame that was armored with muscle. The little girl looked at herself and saw inadequacies and felt like she didn’t measure up. That moment stayed with her, and from that point on Tatiana developed a horrible relationship with her body because of it.

Welp cat’s out the bag. The little girl was me and some days still is me. I struggled terribly with my body image and confidence for years. Some of you at home may look at your screens in disbelief because I’m a crop top wearing, thigh showing, booty shaking individual. But hey what can I say, years of shame made me great at hiding this secret.

My clothing didn’t reflect my insecurities, you couldn’t see it in my face or posture, which meant I dealt with it in my head.

My struggle is with my extra meat, which makes me frustrated with myself and peers. Frustrated with myself because I am super physically active and I eat extremely healthy so I felt like there was something wrong with me, like God forgot to include something when making me. I’m frustrated with my peers because the pain of being a plus size girl in a skinny world is something different and not many people understand or care to do so. To this day I can rarely go out to a store and buy an entire outfit. Which means I shop different, online purchases are my friend, even though I love the mall I go for the atmosphere versus the actual clothes.

I thought my weight was the reason I was single, my weight was why people didn’t like me or my weight was the reason I couldn’t excel at dance.

Although it stemmed from that one occurrence the thought impacted every other aspect of my life and I don’t want your pity I just want you to know its real.

Another struggle is with photos, who created those anyway. Life would be A LOT better without them! Let’s take all the mirrors down while we’re at it. Taking pictures is a task, a task I never want to do because in my brain, 90% of the photos will show a flaw that I work diligently to cover.

For my a long period of time I let someone’s crooked thoughts dictate my life. This story took place over 10 years ago but had the power to make me feel damaged and unworthy up until recently. 

But then something occurred to me while having a conversation with women I classified as having “great bodies”. They hate their bodies too! Okay hate is a strong word and I should be sensitive but they complained about inadequacies that personally didn’t phase me. Take boobs for instinct, clearly I’m not flat chested but I never walk around thanking God for my boobs because I’ve always had them and never longed for them the way some women do.

EVERYONE has something  they wish they could change or add. Men this applies to you too, don’t act like you don’t wish you had a six pack, clear skin and full beard, yes I know your struggles too.

At 22 I’ve learned two things.

I’ve learned to value my body, ALL of it, even the parts that aren’t so likable TO ME.

I’ve also learned that other people struggle with their bodies too, I’m not just on an island by myself. People can relate to me and I can relate to others and that’s my main reason for writing because I want to bridge the gap between people and hopefully offer healing from our insecurities.

In the past I’ve tried to numb these negative feelings with hateful speech towards my body, shame, validation from men and the list goes on. I thought that if guys liked my body then it should reverse my own thinking right? And if you didn’t know that’s false. It starts from with in.

We let society, our minds, and demons convince us that we can’t be amazing  until we are this, until we have that. But no that’s not true. We are divine beings because that’s how God made us.

It’s taken me a while to write about this because I still struggle. But I am so aware of myself and my thoughts more than ever that when a negative one comes in my head I capture it and change it. I’m no longer a slave to my perception so even when I feel as though I don’t look pretty or my body looks bad I force myself to take pictures and appreciate what I have because for so long and I mean a lonnnng time I shamed myself.

Yes I am still heavily invested in eating healthy and exercising but the difference is my motivation and perception of myself. I am no longer trying to get snatched for the approval of guys because that’s DEAD you gonna get all of this size 16 and like it. An also I love myself  so much now that I just can’t put up with certain things including self hate.

I believe in myself enough to have discipline and I love myself enough to know that I can do it. I just want everyone to feel they same way about themselves, because we all could be little more this or a little less that. But you are you, and that is MORE than GOOD ENOUGH.